Growing Through Our Relationships

 1. A hard question

I was once asked this question, ” Why is it hard to be gracious to others when we have a gracious God and experienced so much of His grace?  We tend to be quick to judge others and are not willing to give grace to others. When we see this in the church,  it can be very discouraging especially if the conflicts come from believers who are close to us and are the ones who disappoint us by their words and actions. What should be our perspective for such situations?

2. Work in progress

To begin with, let’s recognise that the church consists of imperfect people. In fact, it’s normal to be imperfect. The church consists of believers like us who are work in progress; God is still working in us to will and to act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13). By God’s grace, we are not there yet but we are better today than we were yesterday. And we will be better tomorrow than we are today. Other believers can cause us trouble due to the sinful nature that is still in them. Blessedly, this sinful nature have lost out to the new Spirit nature birth in us by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16-18).

3. Blessed as we suffer

1 Peter 3:14-17 reminds us that “even if we should suffer for what is right, we are blessed….and it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.” We answer those who oppose us with “gentleness and respect” while “keeping a clear conscience.” We tend to be quick to judge others because of the Law Principle in us which require people to respond in a manner that is acceptable to us. When they do not, we get upset because they did not meet our expectations.

4. Grace and truth

The cure for the Law Principle is grace. We extend grace to them and say like Jesus and Stephen said, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”  We learn to be like Jesus who is the embodiment of “grace and truth” (John 1:17). We can extend grace to those who don’t deserve it because we find strength in God’s truth from 1 Peter 3:14-17 mentioned earlier. When we bring God’s grace and truth into our situation, we will find as the two disciples on the road to Emmaus found (Luke 24:13-35) – that even though our situation has not changed, our inner heart has changed.

5. Hurt by those close to us

People will disappoint us. That’s why God provided forgiveness of sins through the cross. The people who hurt us are often the people close to us, in our family or in church. In Numbers 12:1-13, Moses was hurt by his sister Miriam and his brother Aaron – only when he could pray for them was there healing in their relationship. Our relationships are God’s training ground for us in our growth as disciples.

6. Our training ground

We also see this in how God trained Abraham as mentioned in Genesis 18:19 – “I have chosen him so that he will direct his children( family) and his household (church) after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham (us) what He has promised him (us). I see God using our relationships to mould us to be more like His Son Jesus. And if Jesus “learned obedience from what He suffered” (Hebrews 5:8), why not us? If it’s good training ground for Jesus, it’s good training ground for us.

Giants In Your Mind

1. Voice of God

In our daily interactions with people, we will meet some who are nice and some who are mean to us. Due to our fallen human nature, we tend to replay in our minds the nasty incidents and hurtful words we encounter in our relationships. We become distracted by the voices of  these unpleasant people. Instead of dwelling on these negative voices and letting other people define who we are, what is the voice of God (spoken through Bible verses) within us saying about us?

2. God will strengthen you within

Does God think you are dumb? Definitely not because He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Did He make you like the people you know? Of course not. He has wired you differently because He is a God of variety (1 Corinthians 12:4-6). For instance, He may have made you to be more quiet and introverted. Being so, you may, in front of certain significant people (whom you think don’t like you), prefer to be quiet rather than expose yourself to criticisms from them.

As such, you become overly conscious of people’s opinion of you. Such self consciousness will not go away just because you will it to be so. Instead, when you turn to God and ask Him to help you, God will go through these encounters with you, both the pleasant and the unpleasant.  Through such encounters, God will strengthen your inner fibres such that the sting from the unfair comments become less painful even though they are still there.

3. Battle of the mind

It’s a battle of the mind; just like Jesus’ battle with satan in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1-11). You remember what happened when Peter took his eyes off Jesus in the storm?  He sank (Matthew 14:24-33).  Tell God, ” Father, I can’t do this battle on my own. I need your help. When I hear words that condemn me, I remember that in Jesus, there is no condemnation (Romans 8;1). Nothing can separate me from your love for me (Romans 8:35-39). You will fulfil your purpose for me (Psalm 138:8). I will trust you even if the storm is still there. I surrender my situation into your hand as I am not in control but you are. And you will direct it for your glory, not mine. For your desired outcomes, not mine. Even if I don’t get what I want, I still have you”. Pray like this to God. Press on and you will have godly success.

4. You have godly success when God is with you

Godly success in God’s eyes is not the removal of pain but the presence of God in your pain. Joseph was successful because God was with him even though he was  sold as a slave (Genesis 39:23). David was successful because God was with him (1 Samuel 18:14) when he faced his giant (1 Samuel 17:45-47). Nehemiah was successful because God was with him even as he met with opposition when he built the wall.

5. Giants first defeated in the mind and then in the flesh

Trust God and persevere even when the situation is severe. It is a journey God will take with you even as you face the giants in your mind. Just remember – the giants were defeated first in the mind before they were defeated in the flesh (Exodus 14:13-14). God is with you. His name is Immanuel.

You Are Of Christian Origin

1. They don’t  like you

In your relationships, you come across people who don’t like you. You can never pinpoint the reasons for their dislike of you but it happens. The problem becomes more complex when the people who don’t like you have authority over you and can make your life difficult.

2. You are protected by God

In the story from Esther 3, there was a senior official called Haman whom the King liked. He was promoted and given a seat of honor higher than all the other nobles. All the royal officials knelt down and paid honor to Haman except for Mordecai, a Jew who would not kneel down or pay Haman honor.

When Haman saw that Mordecai would not kneel down to him or pay honor, he was enraged. Although Haman was upset with Mordecai, he took his rage further and plotted to destroy al the Jews. The Bible record that God used Queen Esther (the niece of Mordecai) to save the Jews from destruction. Through God’s intervention, the Jews were saved and Haman was hanged on the gallows he had prepared for Mordecai (Esther 7:10)

In Esther 6, we read that even as Haman plotted to destroy Mordecai and the Jews, there was a twist of events (arranged by God) where he had to honor Mordecai instead. When he returned home with his head covered with grief, his wife and advisors said to him, “Since Mordecai, before whom your downfall has started is of Jewish origin, you cannot stand against him- you will surely come to ruin!”

This story reminds you that as a Christian, you also are protected by God from people who come against you although you are innocent. Because you are of Christian origin, your enemies cannot stand against you and will surely come to ruin.

3. God will come through for you

Before you finally see God’s help in your life, there will be times of difficulties as we endure the troubles we face. From this story, we learn that God will come through for us in spite of the angry fellings of men, their vengeance, their manipulation or their pride (Esther 3:2-8). whatever difficulties in your relationship, just remember…you are of Christian origin.

A Person Of The Second Chance

1. Be connected

As Christians, we are advised by God to never neglect our meeting together but to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25). There is a need for us to be connected first to God and then to one another. The Bible calls us the body of Christ each with a different part to play. Due to our varied personalities and gifting, there can be times of conflicts between Christians. When we have our differences, the Bible tells us to accept one another just as Christ accepted us (Romans 15:7). We also have to forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32).

2. Never give up on yourself or another

What acceptance and forgiveness do for us is to be a person of the second chance. It means that we never give up on ourselves or on another person. We make mistakes and others also make mistakes. When we believe what Jesus said in John 8:7, ” If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her “, we realise that we are not perfect. Why then do we expect others to be perfect?

3. Make room for one another

In the story from Genesis 26: 17 – 22, we read of how when Isaac’s herdsmen dug a well of fresh water, others quarreled with them. Then when they dug another well, the others again opposed them. Isaac decided to “move on” and not dwell on his unpleasantness. When he moved on, the Lord brought him relief. Finally, Isaac could say, ” The Lord has given us room”. As friends and family, let us learn to make room for mistakes in both ourselves and others. With God’s help, that will bring healing to our relationships.

4. “No-Shame Zones”

I read a devotional from Rick Warren that also dealt with this need to make room for one another’s shortcomings. He called it “No-Shame Zones” within our circle of relationships. He said that “our world is broken; everything and everyone in this world is broken. In fact, there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who know they’re broken and those who are broken but don’t know it. God wants us to know that we’re broken. That’s why our churches should be “No-Shame Zones”, places for broken people to come when they hurt”.

Rick continued with a quote from Colossians 3:12, “as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”. He said, “Because we know how much God loves us, we can demonstrate compassion, kindness, humility and patience with others. And that’s exactly what the church has been called to do. It’s the place for the broken, the place for those whose lives don’t work out as they should. The truth is that the church shouldn’t just “accept” hurting people. We should want hurting people in our midst. We’ve got to realize that every sinner has a future and every saint has a past”.

In this way, we make room for others to make mistakes and still be forgiven and accepted. We extend grace to people who don”t deserve it because we ourselves have received grace from God and don’t deserve it either. Our God gives us a second chance. We too should be gracious and be a person of the second chance.

Is there someone in your life you want to put in your “No-Shame Zone” ?

Dealing with Gossip

1.         Hurts relationship

Gossip can hurt relationships.  In Psalm 55, we read of how gossip hurt the Psalmist.  He admitted, “My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.” (verse 2). He knew who was talking behind his back.  He could even hear their voices in his mind and could feel their stares as he passed them by (verse 3). Fear and trembling overwhelmed him and he would prefer to avoid the gossip (verses 5 & 7).

2.         Gossip by a close Christian friend hurts even more

The Psalmist would have been able to endure the gossip if it was by an enemy or a foe (verse 12). But the gossip pierced his heart because it was spread by his companion, a close friend with whom he enjoyed sweet fellowship and mixed with in church (verses 13 – 14).  Gossip by a close Christian friend hurts even more, especially when his or her words are smooth as butter in front of you but deep inside, they have war in their hearts (verse 21).

3.         How to deal with gossip?

Based on verses 16 – 23, we can learn from the Psalmist how to deal with gossip :-

(a) Bring the pain to God who hears you

The tendency to hit back at the gossip is very tempting, especially if it is a friend whom you know.  You may be tempted to also spread gossip about him or her just to get back at them.  That is not God’s way.  God wants us to bring the gossip to Him.  Bring your pain to God who hears your painful prayer (verses 16 – 17).

(b) Remember that God is in control

Even if the gossip is out of control, remember that God is in control of the situation.  Know that God is forever on His throne guiding all the happenings in your life.  He hears every gossip against you and will rescue you from the harm done against you (verse 18).

(c) Believe that God will pay them back

God will protect you against the malicious words said against you.  He is just and will pay them back for the trouble they caused you and will give relief to you (2 Thessalonians 1 : 6 – 7).  There is no need for you to avenge yourself.  God is your avenger (Romans 12 : 19). Let Him bring them down for their deceit (verse 23).

(d) Leave your worries with God

Like the Psalmist, decide to leave your worries with God.  Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let those who are right with Him fall (verse 22).

(e) Trust in God

Finally, as in all things, trust in God (verse 23).  Try not to figure out the gossip.  You will only be wasting so much mental and physical energy when you do so.  If he or she is a gossip, then you be a worshipper.  Turn your energy towards God and worship Him.  Praise Him.  Focus on His goodness.  In God you trust, don’t be afraid, what can man do to you? (Psalm 56 : 11).

.

They Can’t Pay You Back!

1.         Treat me nicely and fairly

A mother was mulling over her daughter’s exam results.  After taking many days off from work to coach her daughter, she was disappointed with the girl’s exam results.  The mother was upset that despite all the effort expended to help the girl, she did not do as well as expected.

A father was deeply hurt when his son who had started work after graduation told him that he did not have enough money to repay the CPF funds which the father withdrew to finance his son’s university education.  The son said he was low on his finances as he had to pay for his new car and increased wardrobe expenses.

The examples can go on and on.  There is the woman who gave up a lot to marry the man only to find out now that he is not faithful to her.  There is the employee who worked so hard for the boss only to find out that another colleague got the  promotion instead of her.  All these people work on the assumption that “I have sacrificed a lot for you.  The least you can do is treat me nicely and fairly.”

2.         Expectations could not be met

All of them are looking to a person to pay them back for what they had given to that person.  They had given love and expected love back.  They had displayed commitment and expected commitment back.  They had lent money and expected the money back.  All of them have worked on the principle of “I did this for you. You should reciprocate and do what I expect”.  Sadly, their expectations could not be met.

3.         Don’t look to others to give you what you gave them

In Luke 14:1-14, Jesus told the parable which illustrated a worldly principle of “I treat you well and you should treat me well in return”.  Jesus said in verse 12 “when you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, brothers or relatives or your  rich neighbours (because) if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.”  Worldly thinking is such that you expect to be repaid for what you expended.

Underlying Jesus’ parable is an important truth “Don’t look to others to give you what you gave them”. If you count on people to give you back the love, respect, commitment, loyalty etc which you gave them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  You need to look beyond people for satisfying such emotional needs.

4.         Only God can satisfy

Jesus said in verse 14 “…..they cannot repay you (but) you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”  There is no point harbouring bitterness, resentment and anger against someone you felt had let you down.  If you look to them to meet your emotional needs, you will be terribly disappointed.  Jesus advised that we should look to God for the satisfaction of our emotional needs.  Only God can satisfy what is deepest in our hearts.

So the next time, you are disappointed with your spouse, child, friend, relative, colleague; just learn to let go of your hurt feelings.  Remind yourself that they can’t give you what you gave them.  Only God can give you back.  In addition, on the day of your resurrection, God will repay you for the injustice done to you .  In that way, you will manage your emotions better and look to our Lord who truly satisfies (Revelations 22:17)

Fasting Your Words

1.         Normal Fasting

When we talk of fasting, we usually refer to abstention from food.  Such fasting can be  done for medical reasons eg. before a blood test;  for religious reasons eg. to fast during a time of intense prayer;  for health reasons eg. to loose weight or clear the ‘toxins’ in your body.  Some Christians practise a full day fast; some a half day fast; some follow Daniel’s example and have a 3 week partial fast where they ate no choice food; abstain from meat or wine and don’t use any body lotions (Daniel 10:3).

2.         True fasting involves attitudes, behaviour & words

In Isaiah 58:1-10, God broadened the understanding of normal fasting to include more than abstention from food.  During Isaiah’s time, the people were eager to know God’s ways.  They wanted to know His thinking.  They drew near to God (verse 2).  But they fasted physically because they wanted something from God for themselves.  When they don’t get what they wanted after having fasted, they said, “why have we fasted and God have not seen it?  Why have we humbled ourselves and God have not noticed?” (verse 3).

God told them that He did not want such self-centered fasting.  The type of true fasting God required involved attitudes, behaviour and words.  God said, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wanderer with shelter.  When you see the naked to clothe him and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood” (verse 6-7).

3.         Fasting your attitudes

Attitudes lead to behaviour.  If we think wrongly, we will act wrongly.  During Isaiah’s time, they thought that as long as they fasted physically, God was pleased with them.  But God saw more than their outward behaviour.  He saw their inward selfishness (verses 4-5).

For us, if a certain type of food is bad for us, we fast and abstain from it.  Similarly, if we feel resentment against someone, we ought to  fast our attitude of resentment.  You deprive your resentment of the fuel it needs to reside in your mind.  You stay away from the bitter thoughts and memories that are the nutrients of resentment.  That’s what it means to fast your attitude.

4.         Fasting your words

The Bible says that out of the overflow of your heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34).  Your words reflect what is in your heart.  In Isaiah 58:9, the Bible tells you to do away (or fast) the pointing finger and malicious talk.  Therefore, you need to fast your critical words, your malicious words, your negative words, etc.  You need to fast your words.  That is the true fasting God requires.

The Power Of The Tongue

1.         Died within

Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  There are times when the tongue brings death to those who hear its words.  Within some people, they continue to hear voices from the past telling them, “You’re not good enough”, “You could have tried harder”, “Why are you so stupid?” etc.

These words, often spoken in anger and condemnation hurt and cut deep into a person’s spirit especially if they were spoken by people in authority over the person who heard it eg. a parent, a teacher, a boss.  The tongue in this instance has the power of death as it makes the hearer feel useless.  The hearer has died within even if he is functioning physically as he continues to be badgered by these inner voices which play on continuously.

2.         Attack him with our tongues

In Jeremiah 18:18, Jeremiah’s enemies said, “Come, let’s make plans against Jeremiah….let’s attack him with our tongues”.  Jeremiah was deeply hurt and frightened by his enemies, some of whom were his friends.  He said, “All my friends are waiting for me to slip….then (they) will prevail over (me) and take (their) revenge on (me)” (Jeremiah 20:10).  As he faced such continuous verbal attacks, Jeremiah turned to the Lord for strength to overcome these evil onslaughts.

3.         How to deal with verbal attacks

We can learn from Jeremiah how to deal with such verbal attacks.  His response had been outlined in Jeremiah 20:11-13:-

(a)       know God is with you

To handle verbal attacks, you need to know that God is with you.  He hears every word said against you.  He will not spare you the pain of other people’s words.  But He is always with you (verse 11).

(b)       Trust God to avenge

When God is with you, He is not passive.  He is with you like a mighty warrior so that those who attack you will stumble and not prevail.  They will fail and be thoroughly disgraced.  They will be dishonoured and will never be able to forget their dishonour (verse 11).  Whatever disgrace and dishonour they heaped on you would be heaped back onto them because your God avenges on your behalf.

(c)       Commit yourself to God

Like Jeremiah, commit yourself to God (verse 12).  Your future does not depend on what men say or do.  Trust in God and don’t be afraid.  There is nothing men can do to you (Psalm 56:11) which is not first filtered through the loving heart of God.  They hurt Jesus with their words and actions.  But Jesus committed himself to God and triumphed over His enemies because God helped Him.  When you submit to God and let Him direct the happenings in your life, you will also triumph.

(d)       Praise God

When you hear the inner voices of condemnation, “Sing to the Lord!  Give praise to the Lord because He rescues the life of the needy from the hands of the wicked (verse 13).  Nothing can overcome you if God is on your side (Romans 8:31).  Let God’s words be shut up in your inner being.  His truths will burn away these inner lies that the devil wants you to keep hearing (Jeremiah 20:9).

The tongue has the power of life when it is directed by God and the truths of His word.  Keep thinking and speaking God’s word.  They are the best remedy against a deadly tongue.

Can God Affect Those Who Affect Us?

 

1.         Difficult people

We all have people in our lives who affect us by the way they act towards us.  They can be an uncaring spouse, a rebellious child, an insensitive colleague, a demanding client, etc.  When faced with such people, we wish that God will change them so that we can have a more peaceful life.  But God seems to leave such difficult people in our lives.  Why?  Because He wants to test us to see whether we will obey Him and follow His truths laid down in the Bible (Judges 2:22).

2.         The first person to change is you

The first person God wants to change is you and not the other person.  God wants you to trust in Him when you are facing difficulties.  If there are no troubles, we don’t need God and can do well on our own.  But that’s not the way God wants us to live.  He wants us to trust in Him and also trust in His Son Jesus (John 14:1).  To trust is to lean your entire weight onto God (Proverbs 3:5) and throw your cares upon Him because God cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).  When we are prepared to no longer think like how others think but to think like how God thinks (Romans 12:2) , we are then ready for God to change us.

3.         God can change others

There can be situations where God can change others who are giving us a hard time.  God can affect those who affect us.  In 2 Kings 6:24, 7:7, we read that Samaria was under siege.  The King of Syria had surrounded the city and there was a great famine.  It got so bad that cannibalism thrived.  One woman cooked her son and together with another woman ate him. But when it came to eating the other woman’s son, the other woman hid him and they brought their dispute to the king (2 Kings 6:27-29)

There was no way they could get out of the siege unless God intervened.  And He did.  God caused the Arameans to hear the sound of chariots and horses and a great army so that they said to one another “Look, the King of Israel had hired the Hittite and Egyptian kings to attack us!”  So the Syrians got up and fled in the dusk and abandoned their tents and their horses and donkeys.  They left the camp as it was and ran for their lives (2 Kings 7:6-7).  The siege was lifted and the Samaritans were freed from their enemies.

4.         Not what we do but what they think

God is able to do the same today.  Our Father in heaven can affect those who affect us.  He doesn’t need you to lift a hand.  He can do it Himself.  Our Father will affect the difficult people in our lives not just by what we do but also by what they think.  Our Lord can influence them if that is what He wants to do.  Meanwhile, He wants us to wait and trust in Him.  Once we get ourselves settled right with God, He can do for us what  He thinks is best for us.  So, God can change others.  But first, He needs to change you.

Rehearsing Our Disappointments

 

1.         “Re-hear” our hurts

We all face disappointments, setbacks and hurts in our lives.  It could be that someone had let us down, or we have tried so hard to get that job but did not succeed.  It could be that someone said some harsh words to us and we continue to remember them.  Like an old tape, we play these hurtful thoughts over and over again.  We rehearse our disappointments.  If we break up the word ‘rehearse’, a major part of the word spells  “re-hear”.  Instead of getting a good night’s sleep we tend to lie down on our bed and “re-hear” our hurts.

2.         “Re-hear” our God

The Bible reminds us that when we lie in bed, don’t rehearse your disappointments.  The Psalmist says in Psalm 63:6, “On my bed, I remember you (God); I think of you (God) through the watches of the night.”  If you are lying on your bed thinking of your hurts, why not replace your thoughts with thoughts about God?  Why don’t we re-hear what God has said?

3.         Rehearse God’s Words

We need to rehearse God’s words instead of rehearsing our disappointments.  In Psalm 62, we are told to find “rest” in God alone (verse 1).  We don’t find rest by sleeping.  We find rest by believing.  We find rest in God alone.  Our hope comes from Him (verse 5).

When we are disturbed by office politicking and backbiting, we are reminded that God knows what’s going on in your situation.  He knows that some people in your life are intent on toppling you.  They view you as easy meat; a leaning wall, a tottering fence, with their mouths they bless you but in their hearts they curse you (verse 3-4).  They will not hesitate to speak badly of you behind your back.  But the psalmist reminds us again that your honour does not depend on men but on God who is your might rock and refuge (verse 7).

4.         Tell it to God and not to others

In a situation where people are talking behind your back, it’s so easy to hit back by talking behind their backs.  When we do so, we are merely adding fuel to the fire.  We may get emotional release when we tell others about someone we dislike.  But that kind of emotional release is temporary and will always haunt you when your words get carried to the person you spoke badly of.  This truth is best expressed in Ecclesiastes 10:20 which says “Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird of the air may carry your words, and a bird on the wing may report what you say”.

Psalm 62:8 advises us, “Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge”.  If you really want to talk of how bad someone is, tell it to God and not to others.  With God, your words remain a secret.  With others, your words become a fire that rages on long after you first said them (James 3:5-6).

5.         You are just like them

Finally, the Bible tells us not to pay attention and rehearse every word that people say about you because “you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others” (Ecclesiastes 7:21).  If you are someone who talks behind someone’s back, then don’t take seriously what someone talks behind your back. 

What’s said behind your back isn’t worth fretting over especially when you do the same to others.  You are no different from that person who spoke badly about you.  If you are just like them, then don’t rehearse your disappointments.